Anger management is one of those skills that can be a lifelong struggle for some people and not even a worry in mind for others. Regardless, knowing how to manage your anger is a skill that makes the quality of your life more enjoyable and stress free.
Over the years I have witnessed close family members of mine struggle with how to manage their anger. They act immediately on their anger and occasionally take it out on the people they love. Situations like these become difficult and painful. The person on the receiving side of the anger is left feeling upset and confused, while the aggressor is left either feeling guilty or unable to see a problem with their actions.
I have had thoughtful conversations with those people in my family explaining to them how I view anger and the steps I take to manage it and avoid lashing out. Surprisingly, my explanation was actually taken very well by them. They told me my view on anger was something they admired in me and that they wished they thought of it like I did in those moments of pure rage.
With that said and with the experience I have overwhelmingly accumulated in managing my anger, I am going to share my personal tips and tricks on how I manage anger in the moment to avoid hurtful words, unnecessary fights, and pent up emotion.
Now I know you will read some of these and say something in your head along the lines of “that’s so cheesy”, but understand, they are on here because they work.
- Put yourself in the cause’s point of view/shoes.
Anger has a cause, obviously, which can be a person, an animal, who knows, maybe even an inanimate object. But rather than immediately resorting to yelling and giving in to those negative emotions, take a minute to think of the situation from the cause’s point of view.
As an example: I remember this one time where I was doing homework in the room my house’s safe was in. As I was doing my homework, my Mom came in and started trying to get into the safe. Its metal door kept getting stuck and it was causing this long period of ruckus that was distracting me from my work. I began getting angry. Thinking to myself “why does she have to do this now?” “can’t she see I’m trying to focus?”. But rather than projecting those thoughts onto my Mom and possibly making her feel bad and embarrassed, I took a second to think about the situation from her point of view.
In this safe we had documents that may be required to fill out information for something important. The safe was old, stubborn, and hard to open at times. My Mom is a naturally quiet person and would never purposefully make such a loud noise if she wasn’t trying her best to get it open, or didn’t really need what was in there. And there was no way this loud door struggle would go on past 5 minutes without her getting annoyed, giving up, or asking for help. So, I became patient.
I don’t procrastinate on my homework, so it wasn’t due for at least a few more days. And I had nowhere to be that night, so there was no rush or need for me to be rude when my Mom wasn’t intending to be in this situation herself. So I patiently waited, she got the door open, got what she needed, and left the room.
Sometimes a strategy of anger is patience alone. But it is easier to become patient and understand why you are being patient when you start thinking of yourself in the cause’s point of view.
- Just Breathe.
The amount of times I have gotten rid of my anger through one deep breath is amazing. Literally just today I slammed my elbow into my desk and was on the verge of yelling. However, immediately I took a deep breath, and that was that. The anger was gone. Sure in the moment a part of me wanted to yell some profanity, but not only would it have made me look silly to get mad at a table, but it also would have only made me feel physically worse on top of my newfound elbow pain.
Taking a deep breath and focusing on your breathing stimulates the vagus nerve which is connected to your nervous system. This stimulation sends a signal to your brain, allowing your body to enter a state of relaxation, countering that rage build up. A more specific technique you could use to feel relaxation faster is called the 4-7-8 breathing technique. Breathe in for 4 seconds, hold that breath for 7 seconds, and exhale for 8 seconds. You will notice your body release tension and become more relaxed.
Shouting and yelling has many bad physical side effects for your body and health. Yelling and the feeling of anger alone causes your body to enter a “fight or flight” defense mechanism which raises blood pressure, heart rate, adrenaline, and cortisol levels (cortisol is widely known as the stress hormone). All of which are high contributing factors in anxiety and stress.Too much activation of these can lead to physical and mental illness such as heart disease, heart attacks, stroke, can disrupt digestion, cause anxiety and depression, and can even lower your sleep quality.
By controlling the way you react to situations, especially silly and unimportant ones like my example, you are protecting your health and teaching yourself to be more difficult to aggravate. Both of which lead to a better quality of life. It’s funny how something so small like a shout can have such big consequences.
- Exercise.
There was a time in my life where I lived with a roommate that enraged me like no other person I’ve met before. I was in a constant state of anxiety, stress, and pure anger. During that period I began to take notice of the way I felt after going to the gym. I felt physically lighter, less stressed, and left the gym with a lot less anxiety than I entered with. After my discovery, I began going as a coping mechanism for the negative feelings that came with living with that person. And I wasn’t going to the gym with some insane 3 hour strength training workout. 20 minutes on the elliptical was all it took for me to leave feeling better.
Since anger is a cause for stress and a rise in cortisol levels, exercise is a scientifically proven way to combat it. When you exercise, your body releases serotonin, also known as the “feel good” hormone. When you are sad or angry your serotonin levels are low, but exercise is a natural way to boost serotonin and fight those negative emotions.
- Talk it out.
I find a lot of the time when I’m angry about a subject that keeps lingering in the back of my mind, talking to a close friend or family member about it leaves me with some relief. It also allows for new discoveries and perspectives on what you are angry about. A lot of the time this makes me realize that what I’m angry about is really not as bad as I was making it seem in my head. Sometimes it’s even helped brainstorm a solution to what was making me angry in the first place.
When you are angry a part of your brain, called the amygdala, takes over logical thinking. The amygdala is the brain’s natural “fight or flight” coordinator as mentioned before. Talking through your emotions allows you to process a situation thoroughly rather than keeping it pent up inside and allowing the amygdala to continue to stir those negative feelings. Talking through your anger regains your control of a logical thought process.
- Write about it.
Recently someone did something to me that made me the most angry I’ve been all year. I was so angry to the point where my body was physically shaking, growing a rash, and preventing me from falling asleep. So, to get it out of my system, I sat up in bed and wrote about it. I wrote about what happened, how it made me feel, what I thought about the situation, and how I would move on from it. I even took it a step farther and wrote a poem about it. This allowed me to get all my angry words out onto the page and take myself step by step through my thoughts and emotions to process what happened. Surprisingly enough, soon after I put down my notebook and pen, I fell asleep.
Writing about your anger allows you to express and understand your emotions while simultaneously processing the situation. It allows you to learn from yourself and begin the process of moving past your anger. By writing it out you are teaching yourself how to overcome your anger and how to avoid situations that cause it. If anything, you are turning a negative experience into a positive one.
Anger management is not about keeping your anger pent up inside. It’s about releasing it in healthier ways.
- By seeing a situation from the cause’s point of view, you understand why they are doing what is making you angry which allows you to grow patient, diminishing your anger.
- By taking a deep breath when something makes you angry, you are automatically releasing tension and relaxing yourself.
- By exercising you are boosting your serotonin, keeping you happy, less anxious, less stressed, and healthy.
- By talking through your anger you bring in new perspectives and understandings.
- By writing out your anger you get to express your emotions, understand them, learn from them, and thoroughly process the situation.
All of these techniques and strategies still allow you to release and cope with your anger, but in a healthy way. It prevents harmful words, pent up aggression, and bad decision making because they force you to take a moment, think, and react in the best way. So the next time you are angry and feel like you want to scream, take a moment and think about which one of these techniques you want to try.
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