How to Have a Healthy Relationship

Nowadays, having a healthy relationship seems like a fairytale, but by understanding why most fail, it it possible. With how common divorces are and how the bar for relationship standards is in hell, it’s no wonder some of us question if we’ll really get the healthy relationship we all want and deserve. 

For years I have listened to countless stories of my friend’s failed relationships, and with each story I notice patterns and mistakes that seem obvious to everyone, except the ones suffering from them. It is from these mistakes, and one’s I have personally made, that I have learned the most important things to result in a happy, healthy relationship. Which I can now say I have because I understand what it takes to make it so.

In order to understand the foundation of a healthy relationship you must know what to look for Before and During.

Before the Relationship

Before getting in a relationship there are key downfalls: Desperation & Low Standards. These two subjects are a perfect couple on their own, but let’s dissect desperation first.

Desperation

The biggest mistake I see my friends make in their relationships is the fact that they were desperate from the start. Being desperate is a dangerous thing and is the fastest way to being in an unhappy relationship. Whether you are desperate for attention, physical touch, or love, that desperation is going to lead you to choose anyone for any reason. You will solely focus on the one good thing about them even if they are a terrible match for you, to convince yourself they are what you want because you just want to have someone.

I used to be desperate. So desperate to the point where I would convince myself I liked people I truly felt nothing for. And when that person didn’t meet my expectations or fulfill that emptiness my desperation created, I just became sad and embarrassed. When that led me to a dead end (as expected) I took a different route. I invested in myself. And by that I mean I focused my attention on things that required it. Hobbies, talents, interests — things I wanted to grow and learn in. 

A good partner doesn’t require your attention, they admire it. They will be the same with or without it. Focusing on yourself when you are desperate fulfills that empty feeling from not having a partner when you so badly crave one. I know it sounds silly, trust me I understand, but I’ve lived it. If you do not focus on yourself when you are feeling desperate, you will only become more desperate. 

People are not attracted to try-hards. I hear people say all the time “attract, don’t chase.” It’s because when you are chasing after a person, you are scaring away what you want from them. It goes for not only romantic relationships, but platonic ones too.

There was a time many years ago when I wanted to be in a specific friend group. I tried way too hard to be their friend, and when that effort wasn’t reciprocated it left me feeling sad, alone, and embarrassed. And it was my desperateness that made me chase after those people. Finally I got sick of feeling so desperate and sad, so I stopped trying to be their friend and focused on myself. 

I tried anything that peaked my interest to distract me. I got into video editing, drawing, and writing, and in doing so I found I had amazing talents that fulfilled me so much to the point where all I wanted to do was improve them. Suddenly I had forgotten about those people whose friendships were once all I craved. Not only did I become more confident in myself, but I began to appreciate my alone time because having time to myself meant having time to do what I love. 

The same goes for relationships. And the funny thing is, when I stopped trying to be friends with those people and did my own thing, I actually had someone start to like me as more than a friend. 

What I noticed when I no longer focused my attention on those people was that over time, they started to come to me. I believe they felt more comfortable approaching me because I wasn’t bombarding them with my desperation anymore. I was simply doing my own thing and they could be a part of it if they wanted, and if they didn’t I wasn’t going to let it affect me because people who don’t want to be in my life shouldn’t be. Chasing is a waste of energy. You’ll feel it if you do it.

To put it plain and simple, if you want to stop your desperation, focus on yourself. In whatever way this strange universe works, it seems that when you desire something, and you simply let that desire be (by not putting pressure on it) but work towards getting yourself ready to receive it, it comes to you in its own time. By discovering my hobbies and improving them, I became more confident as a person, which in time released the grip my insecure desperation had on me, allowing me to get to a place where I was ready for that friendship and relationship.

Low Standards

Unfortunately when you are desperate, most of the time it leads to having low standards.

Having low standards is something all too common now with how popular hookup culture is. A majority of people want to feel something for a short amount of time, but not commit. And that’s okay if that’s what you’re looking for, but for those of us who want something more serious, it makes dating even harder. And it’s lethal for people who are desperate. 

When you are desperate you are so focused on the idea of what you want that you will ignore the reality of what you are doing until you are hurt. I’ve seen it time and time again with some of my best friends. They crave a relationship so bad that they take any guy from quick-add on snap chat and fall head over heels because they give them all the attention they crave at the start. Come to find a few months later that the effort that was there at the beginning has faded because the guy got everything he wanted from her far too soon. He leaves saying the “it’s not you it’s me” line (which is always true — it’s not your fault they act that way) Then she is left broken hearted wondering why this always happens to her.

Having higher standards for yourself prevents the chance of a wasted relationship.

Many people cringe at the saying “high standards”, even me, because it can make a person seem full of themselves. That assumption is entirely false. Standards are just a way to hold yourself accountable to make sure when you do get in a committed relationship, that you are being respected and your needs are being met. High standards are really nothing crazy. We just say they’re high because the standards nowadays are in hell.

For reference, here are examples of “high standards” for a partner. Which are really just basic, good standards.

• They put in an effort. (They make plans, talk to you, etc) — You want this so the relationship doesn’t feel one sided, because you know you will put in effort.
• They have the same interests as you. — You want this so you have more things to do together and bond over.
• They are responsible. — (financially & in all aspects of life) You want this because you don’t want to act like somebody’s parent.
• They are respectful. — (they don’t ignore you, they listen when you are having serious conversations, and respect when you don’t want to do something) You want this so you feel seen and understood.
• They are kind. — Don’t date someone rude and mean. That’s embarrassing.
• They are driven & have goals. — You want this because you believe it’s important to work towards your goals.
• They are affectionate. — You want this because affection makes you feel loved and appreciated.
• They are an attentive listener. — You want this because being a good listener is important for communication and resolving possible arguments.
• They take accountability. — You want this because you don’t want to date someone who can’t handle the fact that they made a mistake in a mature manner.
• They aren’t a hypocrite. —You want this because hypocrites are annoying and make no sense.

Reading those makes you realize how much of the bare minimum that really is, but nowadays, it seems so hard to find. Standards really just depend on what you seek in a partner and the values you have and want to share with them.

You might be wondering, “Well what if I start dating someone who seemed like they met my standards from the start, but now they changed and aren’t meeting them?” This is a good question, and a good reason as to why you don’t want to give everything you have to offer in the beginning of a relationship. As the famous saying goes, slow and steady wins the race. 

Let’s say you just started dating someone. You’re one month in and all of a sudden they’ve told you every trauma in their life, they’ve already said “I love you”, and they’re telling you they want to marry you. Personally, that would be a little off putting for me. Relationships grow as you learn about each other over time. You bond by sharing information and talking about it. The more a person knows about you, and the more you experience life with them, the more you grow attached to them. At the beginning of a relationship, that is a dangerous zone to be in. If you give little by little over time, then if anyone’s personality starts changing, it won’t be as difficult to leave them if your standards aren’t being respected anymore because you haven’t become fully attached to a person (assuming this relationship has been short). 

This is why you date before making it official. It always confused me how so many of my friends went on one date with a person and suddenly they’re an official couple. It’s supposed to be like a free-trial. See how your values and personalities align before committing.

Sure not all relationships are going to work out, but if you hold yourself to your standards from the beginning, if it ends, at least you will have learned what worked and what did not and can create better standards from it. That is something I learned from my previous relationship. 

Choosing to be with someone you know deep down does not meet your desired standards in a partner, and choosing them only because you really want to be with someone, will leave you disappointed, sad, and feeling bad about yourself. Respect yourself enough to wait for the right person. Choosing the wrong one wastes time for you, if you let things be, good things will come to you. And this isn’t to say hide in your house and expect a prince to show up at your door. Live your life how you like, don’t be desperate, respect your standards, and what you want will make its way to you. The relationship you want can not be forced.

How to Maintain a Healthy Relationship

Once you are in a relationship, there is effort that must be put in from both partners in order to create a loving, healthy partnership.

Learn to Communicate Well

Communication is a huge part and key aspect of healthy relationships. It is important that you and your partner always explain to each other how you feel about situations while keeping calm to avoid emotional escalations. Being a respectful and attentive listener is also a key part in communication. Hearing what your partner has to say and allowing them to complete their sentences is incredibly important and shows maturity and respect. How would you feel if you were explaining how something your partner did made you upset and they continuously interrupted you, talked over you, and invalidated the way you felt? This has happened to me many times and it is the most frustrating anger inducing thing I have ever experienced. There is nothing worse than trying to have a mature conversation with someone who doesn’t respect communication etiquette.

If you or your partner don’t agree with something the other person said, keep a mental note, wait for them to finish, then explain your point of view while validating the way that they feel. Something as simple as “thank you for explaining that to me, I didn’t see it that way before, but now I understand how that made you feel.” can allow you and your partner to become less anxious and be grateful that the conversation is staying calm. Though that line can sound like a therapist talking, it works wonders in maintaining a healthy relationship. 

A lot of the time relationships fail because one partner is too scared to bring up a subject, in fear of having an argument with their partner, which in their mind, might end the relationship. But what avoiding those important conversations is actually doing is building up resentment for their partner because the partner doesn’t realize how they feel. Though this is illogical because they never explained the issue to their partner, the resentment builds nevertheless. Humans are not mind readers. We have to communicate to know what each other wants and solve problems. So keeping calm and validating each other’s feelings in important conversations can not only allow for a productive, mature conversation, but it can also save the relationship as a whole.

When in an important conversation or argument, it is also helpful to think of the situation from your partner’s point of view. It gains you a better understanding of why they may be feeling the way they do.

Also, don’t be hypocritical. If you are getting mad at your partner for doing something you do as well, either change your behavior, or keep it to yourself. You will look silly. How much would you hate someone telling you you’re on your phone too much, when they rarely look up from theirs. You would be angry wouldn’t you?

Another approach that may work in communication is something called “solution or comfort”. Sometimes a partner will come to you stressed or complaining about something, and a good question to ask is “Do you want me to comfort you or help you find a solution?” This way it allows them to choose what they need in the moment to avoid anyone becoming more upset.

Being independent is another important part of being in a relationship. You and your partner are individuals who choose to be together because you enjoy each other’s company. You do not rely on each other to live. That being said, being overly clingy is an extremely overwhelming trait to have for your partner. It can also show a multitude of trust issues depending on how intense the clinginess is. If you are constantly checking on your partner’s location, asking them where they are, what they’re doing, and worrying when they haven’t texted you back for an hour, it can feel to them as though you don’t trust them and believe they are being unfaithful or suspicious. 

The best rule to have for yourself if you believe you are that level of clingy is to force yourself to trust your partner until they give you a real reason not to. Assuming they are lying to you or that they are out cheating will create an anxious, unhappy relationship for the both of you. Your partner will feel uncomfortable telling you things in fear of overreaction, which will raise your suspicions more and make you anxious in turn.

You must allow your partner to indulge in their hobbies and hang out with their friends because if you are so clingy to the point where they cannot do that without you being suspicious or overreacting, they will begin to resent you for it. The same goes for the other way around. Do not allow yourself to date someone who wants to control your every move and be the only person you hang out with. It is important to have friendship in your life and goals you are working towards.

Making time to be with one another is an obvious part in being in any sort of relationship. Spending time with each other trying new things or making the other happy by doing an activity they like, are great ways to build trust and bond with each other. You must make time for the ones you love. It is an equal effort too. 

I was in a relationship once where I was the only one planning the dates and it became quickly frustrating when the effort was not being reciprocated. It made me feel as though I liked him more than he liked me, that I was forgettable, and that he simply didn’t want to see me. It is important in a relationship that you both make plans to see each other. Alternate who plans dates, maybe even surprise each other with them. Actions speak louder than words. You can say “I love you” all you want, but unless you are putting in an effort to spend quality time with that person, those words are meaningless.

Sometimes it can be hard to find something to do together, which is why it is also important to talk about your hobbies to find a common ground or interest. Trying new things is also fun because it creates a unique experience for the both of you since you are trying something you have never done before.

Something I notice a lot from my friends who get into quick, clingy relationships is that they get offended and overreact about things their partner does that really just don’t matter. I’ve had a friend get mad at her boyfriend for going out with his friends and not telling her when they literally live in different states. I’ve also had a friend get mad that her boyfriend left her snapchat on delivered for three hours. All of this energy wasted on silly things that have simple explanations and really just don’t matter. Thinking through things from a logical lens has saved me a lot from taking things in my relationship personally.

For example, if your partner lives in another state as you and has plans to go out with their friends one night, and they forget to mention it to you, why get upset? My boyfriend and I live in separate states certain months of the year. We don’t know each other’s friends and we trust each other to stay loyal and safe, so when he goes out and sends me a picture of him with his friends, why would I get mad? Monitoring his every move is clingy and off putting.

If you had dinner plans with a friend, forgot to mention it to your partner, and they got upset about it when you didn’t even have plans with your partner that night, wouldn’t that be strange?

Or, if your partner doesn’t answer your message for a couple hours, why stress? Unless they are known to answer their phone quickly, perhaps they’re concentrating and don’t want to get distracted, maybe they left their phone in another room, maybe they’re just busy at the moment. If you know them and you know they love you, they will answer when they get the chance.

Also learning how to take a joke and tell when it is a joke is important, because lord knows either you or your partner is gonna say something silly that could be a little offensive to the other one day, and if you don’t understand they’re joking or how to move on from it, that can create serious problems and tension in the future. My strategy is to think of it from their point of view “How did they most likely intend for that to come across?”. I also ask myself “Am I feeling this way because of what they did or because what they did triggered something I already felt before?”, most of the time what they did or said only triggered something I felt before, which was not their fault.

Being sympathetic can also help avoid overreacting. If your partner makes a mistake they clearly feel bad about, why would you want to make the person you love feel worse about it? Now of course it depends on the mistake. Cheating is not something I would comfort a partner about.

What I mean is this,

As an example. A few months ago my boyfriend and I were driving to another city. It was a long drive so we switched turns at the wheel. As we arrived in the parking garage, he was in the driver’s seat. This garage was very narrow, there was a car coming around the corner as we were turning, and my boyfriend ended up scraping the side of my car along the corner of the garage’s cement wall. It scraped up the paint, and dented the side.

Of course I was upset. I cried, a lot, but I knew he didn’t do it on purpose. It was clear he was already upset with himself for making an avoidable mistake, so why would I want to hurt the person I love more by making him feel worse about it? Sure it might release some of my tension to react in the moment, but if I gave into those emotions, it would only end in both of us feeling worse and me having to apologize to him later. I reassured him I wasn’t angry, because I wasn’t. I understood it was an accident and it wasn’t something he’d done before. He ended up paying for my car’s repairs, and we are still together and happy.

Maintaining a healthy relationship takes work. And depending on how you were raised and your experience in previous relationships, it can be harder or easier for you to make adjustments. But as long as you keep your standards high, and focus on your goals, desperation will stay at bay as you attract the right person for you. And once that person comes into your life, by 

• Communicating well
• Maintaining your independence
• Making time for each other
• Thinking through situations logically
• Not overreacting
• And being sympathetic towards one another 

a healthy relationship is possible for you. And if you are not currently in a relationship, but want to see how these strategies work, try it with your friends. See how those friendships improve. I have given the advice above because it has helped maintain my healthy romantic relationship, but the same strategies can improve platonic ones as well.